A Politickles Retrospective
"For 12 months I had strived to get there,
And at last to the top I drew near;
When I reached the hill's crown,
The stone rolled right back down,
So I'm starting all over this year."
All the creches are empty, it's true,
And I'm waiting for Jesus anew;
Harking back to the Book,
I know now where to look:
I must find the Lord Jesus in you.
On a fantasy Hillary fed
'Til reality reared its huge head:
As her poll numbers drop,
She will have to close shop
And admit that her life's dream is dead.
Barack, John, and Hill are not reticent:
In the White House they mean to be resident.
Seems they learned how to rule
Back in nursery school
And are fully prepared to be president.
There is less than a month left, you know,
Only 21 days in a row,
Barely 500 hours
To buy yours, mine, and ours,
30,000 mere minutes to go!
When a columnist known for his pluck
Inadvertently falls off a truck,
Breaking elbow and arm,
Friends must sound the alarm:
Was it whiskey, or merely bad luck?
It's a soda without any fizz,
A none-of-the-above kind of quiz,
And the voters agree
With the late Peggy Lee,
Who demanded, "Is that all there is?"
How much better can Thanksgiving get?
In my bedroom a 60-inch set,
And in HD displayed
This year's Macy's Parade:
Waking up to a scrumptious Rockette!
If you're thankful for your lot
And all the things you've got,
Then say a prayer
And give a care
For someone on the spot.
Resentment tends to linger
When roguish rivals zing her:
As Hilly pouts,
Her hubby spouts
And wags his index finger.
She has shown she knows how to succeed,
And the public no longer pays heed
To the old rumor mill
And her problems with Bill:
Yes, Lewinski is destined to lead!
When first I was her suitor,
She said no one was cuter;
But now I find
That I've been blind:
She's in love with her computer!
Mrs.Clinton, you certainly are
The most loving pet owner by far!
(We'll ignore the twin shocks
Of abandoning Socks,
Letting Buddy get hit by a car.)
"Be prepared for a cultural clash
When consorting with blue-collar trash:
Take your meds in advance
And you'll lessen the chance
Of contracting full-blown Redneck Rash."
Do delusions of warming derange
And compel poor Al Gore to act strange?
No, the reason he's fishin'
For those caps on emission
Is his stock in the carbon exchange.
Tis a tale that can scarcely be told:
In the hatch of the schip there is gold,
An ye open the door
For "poor" folk who aren't poor
And for "young uns" incredibly old.
Ahmadinejad's definitely dim
If he thought we'd accede to his whim:
We'll let no antihero
Try to visit Ground Zero,
But will visit Ground Zero on him.
"If I have zero dignity left,
If I am absolutely bereft,
If I murdered my bride
And saw justice denied,
Can I not get away with a theft?"
The reports coming in from Iraq
Say Osama's prepared to attack,
With his chances for takeover
Now enhanced by a makeover
And a beard that is once again black.
See how swiftly the mighty do fall
And their bigness become very small:
Get a little too noisy
While you're cruising for Boise
And you'll find your career in a stall.
With el Jefe confined to his bed,
Every Cuban is careful what's said:
Out in public Fidel
Must be urged to get well,
While in private implored to drop dead.
Though they're clearly quite full of themselves,
These political pygmies and elves
Cannot bear close inspection
Before next year's election
And should wait until 2012's.
No one curbs what a Congressman spends
Or complains when his earmark offends,
Not while "King Corruption" Murtha
Wields the power of the purser
To provide for his family and friends.
The dry wit of George Gobel was charming,
But its after effects are alarming:
When we laugh 'til we're blue,
We release CO2
And contribute to dread "Gobel Warming."
Though I personally care not a tittle
And would hate to get caught in the middle,
When those Democrat boobs
Are exposed on the tubes,
They make mountains of something quite little.
As your second term comes to an end,
Say farewell to the fair-weather friend,
Whose encouraging voice
Will become ugly noise
And oppose where it once would defend.
Has Al Gore taken too many tokes
On that strange cigarette that he smokes?
Still, the burden of proof
Is on every green goof
Who espouses the climate-change hoax.
With audacity truly sublime,
An ex-president covered in slime
Castigates his successor
For playing confessor
To a man who'd committed no crime.
How we cheered at the clarion call
For the Soviet Union's downfall!
Now it's President Bush
Giving China a push
To demolish their own wicked wall!
There is only one way it can go
When the Clintons are destined for woe
And they don't have the base
For a two-person race:
Michael Bloomberg must play Ross Perot.
Though the only home they've known
And had ever hoped to own,
It's a perfect site
To condemn as "blight"
For a new commercial zone.
"I've been poor since the day of my birth
And may die with a negative worth;
Though I live on the skids,
With my wonderful kids,
I'm the wealthiest man on the earth!"
Despite limits to presidents' terms,
As a certain Amendment affirms,
Mrs. Old Two-for-One
Won't admit that she's done,
Having already shared her two terms.
"Mommy, why did you do something bad?
Mommy, why did you make me so sad?
Mommy, what will you say
When I ask you one day,
'Mommy, why don't I have my own Dad?'"
Jimmy Carter the Unholy Roller
Could not possibly be any droller:
A rebuke from the man
Who subverted Iran
And empowered the Ayatollah?
With a pizza, you get-a romance!
The aroma, she make-a you dance!
But the folks at Ft. Dix,
Have-a learned to say nix,
They no more-a give pizza a chance.
All the movers and shakers are shaken,
But, unless I am greatly mistaken,
We will not get a look
At the Madam's black book,
'Cause she'll clam up to bring home the bacon.
"Hoosiers, hillbillies, dis is yer year!
Rednecks, crackers, doan be afeard!
Shucks! Gosh! an' Dang!
Doanchu jes love mah twang?
Git yer fust lady prezdent rat cheer!"
Left-wing radicals running our schools
Do great harm with their inverted rules:
They oppose every norm,
Reject custom and form,
And show deference to freaks and to fools.
"We can tell filthy lies about you
And there's nothing at all you can do,
But we'll make such a fuss
If you criticize us --
Even if what you say is quite true."
You expect to have something to show
When you get your first job and some dough;
Then you get your first check
And you say, "What the heck!
Where the hell did the rest of it go?"
And this you must believe:
The time is past to grieve;
The one who dies
Will surely rise;
He will return, who leaves.
If the war is not going to plan,
Then George Bush has to be a big man
And agree to pull back
And withdraw from Iraq,
So our troops can then topple Iran.
"Being asked for my stand on morality,
I must say I believe in equality:
I agree with your view
And the opposite, too
-- It depends on the date and locality."
Saving daylight is wonderfully wise
And a cinch if a citizen tries.
It's so simple to do,
I'll explain it to you:
You save daylight by closing your eyes.
"If superior beings ignore
Certain limits and use a bit more,
Then the peons, I guess,
Will just have to use less,"
Sniffed a gluttonous, glutinous Gore.
With just Romney, Giuliani, McCain
And no candidates of their own strain
Who will give them a voice
And a genuine choice,
Are conservatives forced to abstain?
Every revel unravels at last
And evaporates into the past,
For today is soon spent
And tomorrow is Lent:
Forty days to repent and to fast.
They defend "climate change" willy-nilly,
And lately they've gotten plain silly:
Saying snow, ice, and sleet
Must be caused by the heat --
And that's why the weather's so chilly.
Every Cuban who's conscious and sane
Will applaud at the end of his reign:
When he heads off to hell,
There'll be no more Fidel
To cause "Castro intestinal pain."
Democrats in the White House are scary.
Jimmy Carter and Bill made us wary
And relieved there weren't more:
Mike Dukakis, Al Gore,
And spandexterous dullard John Kerry!
Hillary's coy "conversation" is shrill
And her friends all agree she's a pill;
The poor woman's insane
If she thinks she will reign
As the distaff edition of Bill!
What wise words will a weatherman say
When a winter storm's wending our way?
He will warn us, "Stay warm!"
And "Stay out of the storm!"
And exhort us to "Have an ice day!"
With the change in the House status quo, see
The new Madame Speaker Pelosi
Enduring the glare
With the crazed, glassy stare
Of a transgendered Bela Lugosi.
I resolve not to gain any weight,
I resolve not to always be late,
I resolve not to get
Any further in debt --
On this single inceptional date!