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POLITICKLES RETROSPECTIVES
2000
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Prior years collected in
Politickles: Limericks Lampooning the Lunatic Left


A - H

ABATED BREATH
Whether sickly or healthy and hale,
We object when the air gets too stale,
But what shall we do
When they ban CO2
And deny us the right to exhale?

ADVICE AND CONTEMPT
"Clinton can't start a war without us!"
Cry Republicans, raising a fuss.
In the Senate and House,
They roar like a mouse,
And conservatives cringe in disgust.

AFFIRMED
The Derby he took in stride,
Then the Preakness -- what a ride!
Now, if he takes
The Belmont Stakes,
The crown goes to Funny Cide.

AKA
Nelson, Luciano, Capone
All had nicknames uniquely their own.
In Bill Clinton's case,
You can bet "Cigarface"
Is the moniker by which he'll be known!

ALLIES
Aides offer an explanation
For Albert's exaggeration:
"It's not that he lies,
It's just that he tries
To use his imagination."

AL-LURE
"Our donations are going to Gore,
That ponderous, pandering bore:
He's a stiff Beta Male,
But his soul is for sale
And we really can't ask for much more!"

AL MIGHTY
Gore's personal code takes priority
Over that of the Moral Majority,
So it's "Anything goes!"
Until somebody shows
A "controlling legal authority."

ALONG CAME GEORGE
"I reckon I'm uppin' the bid,"
Sheriff Bush told the Baghdad Kid.
"So, you've got 'til sundown
To git out of town!"
And in thousands of pieces he did.

AL OR NOTHING AT ALL
The Vice President's given to grieve
Over babies that poor folk conceive.
But, if he's too proud
To mix with the crowd,
Maybe Al is the one who should leave.

AL TRUISM
The Vice President sat down to sup,
Bid his boss to please pass him a cup,
And to Bill's "Pardon me?"
Replied "Yessirree!"
So eager was Al to move up.

ANCHORS AWAY!
Poor old Peter, Tom, and Dan,
Hanging on as long as they can!
Replace those fossils
With three John Stossels:
Topple TV's Taliban!

ANIMAL RITES
There once was a man who would marry,
But not in the way ordinary,
So he married a dog,
A ferret and frog,
A kinkajou, cat, and canary.

ANNAPOLIS
Do those goons who reject common sense
And embrace Democratic pretense
Think arresting our sons
When they brandish toy guns
Will contribute to homeland defense?

ANTHEM FELLOW
With Bates, Berlin, and Key,
I salute this "land of the free,"
This "land that I love . . .
With the light from above,"
Stretched "from sea to shining sea."

THE ANTI-COOLIDGE
By impeachment perturbed not a bit,
Bill assured us that he'd never quit
And that, if convicted,
He would not be evicted
'Cause the landlords were lacking in grit.

ARCH CONSERVATIVES
We're often described as ironic,
Acerbic, sarcastic, sardonic.
Why are we so arch?
It's the drycleaner's starch
Makes our casual cantankerousness chronic.

ART FAILURE
"I'm so talented and so smart,
But no one will give me a start,
So I'll take up the chant
For an NEA grant
To finance my career in fine art."

ARTFUL DODGERS
The Vietnam Vets get the shaft
From the folks in the filmmaking craft,
For their stories are told
By those brave souls of old:
Their peers who avoided the draft.

A TACT
Diplomacy often can settle
Disputes that have started to nettle,
But be ready to fight
Or you just might invite
Your opponent to test your mettle.

AT WITZ END
With a limerick to write, the worker sits;
After hours have passed, the shirker quits:
The problem's that "Herb"
Will not serve as a verb,
And there's nothing that rhymes with "Berkowitz."

BAD CHOICE
How much progress would be unrecorded,
How greatly our culture distorted,
If Edison and Gates,
Shakespeare and Yeats
Had never been born, but aborted?

BALDERDASCHLE
"We deplore confrontation, delay,
And obstructions thrown in the way:
These things that we do
We project onto you
And denounce as unsportsmanlike play."

BELT-TIGHTENING
"According to all our reports,
Things are going to get even worse.
The Russians," said Yeltsin,
"Must all pull their belts in
That is, those who have belts, of course."

BETTER READY THAN DEAD
Here's a survey that needs to be done
On the merits of having a gun:
Ask anyone harmed
By a thug who was armed
If he wishes he, too, had had one.

BETWEEN IRAQ & A HARD PLACE
Here's the buzz on the Arabic "street":
Soon Saddam and Osama will meet,
But the place where they're bound
Is quite deep underground
And beset by unbearable heat.

BIG LIES
There's no reason, nor is there rhyme
To the claims liberals make all the time,
And the "facts" they rehearse
Are quite often reverse,
As in "Poverty causes crime!"

BIG TENT
Though we don't want to alienate our core,
We are anxious to add even more;
So, to make greater strides,
We'll appeal to both sides
And oppose all the things that we're for.

BILL IN A CHINA SHOP
Campaign prospects are more sunny
When the coffer's full of money.
Leave it to Bill
To fill the till
With money that is funny!

BILL PAYING
Pardon him, pardon her, pardon you.
Pardon everyone Bill ever knew.
There's no need to be frugal:
Pardon Hubbell, McDougall,
Pardon Gore, pardon Hillary too!

BILL'S RESOLUTION
"I promise this year to begin
To exercise, diet, grow thin;
I resolve I will try
Not to tell one more lie --
At least, never the same one again!"

BILL'S RESUME
The job hunter takes out an ad
To trumpet the titles he's had:
Harasser, perjurer,
Blackmailer, murderer,
Drug dealer, and Yale Law grad.

BILLY THE KID
"I'm a master at keeping the lid
On the illegal things that I did,
So there's no way to show
Any quid for a quo
Just call me the 'Cover-Up Kid.'"

BIPARTISAN GYP
"It may seem like a major transgression
In the midst of a growing recession,
But we have the yeas
To enact our raise
And can weather the bad impression."

BIRDS OF A FEATHER
The media rarely deride
A President on the same side:
For the faithful defender
Of their social agenda,
They're willing to let some things slide.

BLAND OLD PARTY
It's truly depressing to see
What's become of the GOP:
Still pro-life, more or less,
And for gun rights, we guess,
But no telling how long that will be.

BLANK LIKE ME
Census takers who tally my head
Will not know if I'm black, white, or red:
Because, in the space
To designate race,
I inscribed the word "human" instead.

BLIND JUSTICE
More scandals each day are accruing,
And the storm of the century is brewing,
But poor Janet Reno
Is able to see no
Evidence of any wrongdoing.

BOOBY PRIZE
For years his rare record has stood
And it looked like forever it would,
But Bill Clinton's the man
Who said, "Yes, yes I can:
I can make Jimmy Carter look good!"

BOOMER ANGST
They prefer that it not be recalled
How their youthful behavior appalled:
"Trust none over thirty,"
Roared the young and the dirty,
But that was before they went bald.

BORN-AGAIN PATRIOTS
Those Boomers bred on blame
Have recovered from their shame:
They fly the flag
And do not gag
On the Pledge they now proclaim.

BORN LOOSER
"I lie, I cheat, I steal,
And do just what I feel;
But, if I say
I was born that way,
My vices seem genteel."

BOXER REBELLION
I will thank Gore and Bush in advance
If they'll promise to take a firm stance
And conceal their beliefs
About boxers or briefs
And their preference in underpants.

BOYS WILL BE BOYS
"If we must give up guns, sticks, and balls
And like girls be content just with dolls,
Then we'll rip off their heads
And tear them to shreds
And bounce all the bits off the walls."

BRAVE'S NEW WORLD
Me makum big wampum, and lots.
Me bossum the local bigshots.
Me Big Chief Casino.
Me bigger than Reno.
Me scalpum with tables and slots.

BRIDGE TO THE 21ST CENTURY
Watching football in 2001
Is going to be even more fun:
I'm building a bridge
From the den to the fridge
So I won't miss a kick, pass, or run.

BUBBA BATH
Eight years of the Clintons in power
Leave a taste in the mouth that is sour
And an overall sense
That we need a good rinse
And should spend extra time in the shower.

BUSYBODIES
They'll first find tobacco at fault,
Then coffee, wine, spirits, and malt.
Then they'll next demonize
Colas, burgers, and fries,
Then all snacks made with sugar and salt!

BYE GOD!
It would be self-destructively odd
For a nation conceived "under God"
To renounce all recourse
To that infinite Source
And resist ever recking His rod.

BYRD'S HIT
"Pipe down, Paul, and lay off o' dat booze,
'Cause ya don't know nuthin' 'bout blues,
About bare dirt floors
And plumbin' outdoors
And twelve chirren wit'out no shoes."

CALIFORNIA DREAMING
Californians who once liked to boast
Of the absence of rigs off their coast
Are suddenly thrilling
To the prospect of drilling
If it means they can always make toast.

CAN'T CAN'T GIRLS
In days of circumspection,
We made no "love connection":
The girls said no
And off we'd go,
Relieved at our rejection.

CAN'T HAPPEN HERE
Yes, Brutus and brethren confected
A plot to have Caesar dissected,
But that sort of play
Can't happen today
With conspiracy theory rejected.

CAPITOL CRIME
They deserve electrocution
Whose contempt for the Constitution
Allows them to fork
Over helpings of pork
In return for a contribution.

CAPTAIN BLYTHE
As Commander-in-Chief, good ol' Bill
Could defer his conviction at will:
He could launch an attack
On Iran or Irag
Or obliterate Capitol Hill.

CELL MATE
"I'm hanging my hopes on my wife,
Who's about to go under the knife:
My plan is that maybe
With a harvested baby
I'll be able to lengthen my life!"

C'EST LA GUERRE
There's no better place, perchance,
For food or for romance;
But, if you need
A friend indeed,
Don't waste your time in France.

CHECK THE LABEL
Instead of a gain, there's a loss
When my ethnic identities cross:
It's rather embarrassin'
To be Franco-American
When you're not a spaghetti sauce!

CHICKEN LITTLE
Doomsday deadlines bear recalling
When they've passed and we're not sprawling:
If dreaded fate
Is running late,
Then perhaps the sky's not falling.

CHILDHOOD DISEASE
The teacher now has a new ploy
For the youngster who tends to annoy:
For fussin' and fidgetin',
Prescribe him some ritalin
And cure him of being a boy!

CHOICE POSITION
Don't be fooled by the "pro-choice" ruse
That amoralists use to confuse,
For your choices could
Be bad or good
And it matters how you choose.

CINO*
"If my actions make no sense,
I'll say this in my defense:
I'm a psychopathic
Roman Catholic
Whose faith is mere pretense."
*Catholic In Name Only

CLARITY BEGINS AT HOME
Their parents won't be overruled,
Nor their personal values retooled.
Their minds will grow strong
As they learn right from wrong,
'Cause these children are being homeschooled.

CLINTONIAN DIPLOMACY
"We'll supply whatsoever you need
To ensure your armed forces succeed,
And we won't make a fuss
If you use them on us,
'Cause our sole motivation is greed.

CONSENSUS
"Don't put anything down in ink,"
The facilitator said with a wink.
"Just divide the dupes
Into manageable groups
And tell them what they think!"

CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT
There once was an arch conservative
Who regarded as simply superlative
The power of Bill's
Oratorical skills
To serve as an all-purpose purgative.

CONSPIRACY THEORY?
All around him Bill sees pointed fingers
And enemies that run him through wringers.
Sure, he cheated and lied,
But he just can't abide
Those malicious, conspiring right-wingers!

CONTACT SPORT?
How we begged Beth and Suzy and Pat
To come grapple with us on the mat!
We knew we could nestle
If they'd just let us wrestle,
But the girls were too clever for that.

CONVENTIONAL FARE
Nominations are not in contention
And there's nary an issue to mention:
Crowning Bush and Al Gore
Will be such a big bore,
So why even have a convention?

COPPING THE PORK
Willie Sutton robbed banks because
That's where the money was,
But if he had heard
About Robert C. Byrd
He'd have done what the Senator does.

COUNSEL OF TRENT
It's a paradox or a riddle
When the Right falls Left of the Middle,
And you find that the lot
That you thought you had got
Is a Lott that's amounted to little.

COUNT THEM OUT!
Election reformers, take note:
The folks in Palm Beach missed the boat.
If they can't punch a ballot
Without using a mallet,
Then they've proven they're not fit to vote.

COUNT OFF
"It's really quite simple," Al said.
"The one who's behind should have led,
So we'll void votes for George
And then we will forge
Enough ballots to put me ahead."

COURAGE IN CONGRESS
"I detest, I abhor, I revile
Bill Clinton's corruption and guile:
I'd have made quite a speech
On the floor to impeach
Were it not for my FBI file."

COURT DISASTER
How the judges would snicker and snort
And delight in making sport
Of American troops,
Individuals, and groups
In an international court!

COURT JESTERS
The conservative's fervent desire
Is for Ginsburg and Stevens and Breyer,
O'Connor and Souter,
And Kennedy, too, to
Announce that they plan to retire.

CROWDED CABINET
D-o-E, D-o-Ed, E-P-A:
Each department would close right away
Plus Commerce and HUD,
That fraud-ridden dud
If Republicans did as they say.

CUBA LIBRE
Your days are now numbered, Fidel.
Pretty soon they'll be tolling your bell.
When they shout, "Cuba free!"
Rum and cokes are on me,
And I'll hand out Havanas as well.

DARING TO DISCIPLINE
At my junior high no one cares
About violence, drugs, and affairs,
But a teacher's on hand
With a swift reprimand
When a student is caught saying prayers.

DAY-O VOLENTE
On occasion he loses his way-O;
Belafonte then causes dismay-O.
But he never goes wrong
With "Banana Boat Song."
Why not stick to the singing of "Day-O"?

DEAD LIFT
Every Democrat losing a race
Has a serious question to face:
Should he follow the plan
Of the late Carnahan
And expire just to capture first place?

DEAD MAN SQUAWKING
As their days of departure draw nigh,
You may hear death-row denizens sigh:
"I'm not certain still
That it's so bad to kill,
But I personally would rather not die!"

DEARLY DE-PARTED
"When one of your loved ones deceases,
We don't bother with legal releases:
We sell what we can
From the organs on hand,
So your loved one can rest in pieces."

DEATH & TAXES
Charlie Chan and his Number One Son
Had no trouble finding the gun,
But the victim, said Chan,
Was an IRS man,
And the killer could be anyone.

THE DEBT
By now it's well-known and old news
That in slavery their forebears paid "dues,"
And yet no one has crowed:
Reparations are owed
By Egyptians today to the Jews.

DEVIL'S DISCIPLES
Nietzsche told us that God was dead,
That the State was our Father instead,
But where's Nietzsche now?
Where are Stalin and Mao,
Hitler, and the legions they led?

DIRTY BUSINESS
"When we measured no parts per million,
We raised standards to parts per billion.
We're the new EPA
And we'll have it our way,
Finding parts per trillion and zillion!"

DISCONTINUING RESOLUTIONS
Resolutions I've hastily made
Are infrequently kept, I' m afraid;
Still, I find I can live up
To a promise to give up
Resolutions I've hastily made.

DIVISION LEADER
Who has kept black Americans down
And spread hatred from town to town?
No, it's no Anglo-Saxon
But the Reverend Jackson
Who's the rabidest racist around!

DON'T TATTLE (ON TEACHER)
"Everyone pull up a chair,
But, before we get started, beware
Not to tell Mom and Dad
'Cause they'd only get mad
If they learned of the secrets we share."

DOUBLE DUTY
You may think that I'm trying to shirk
Or abusing a privilege or perk:
Sure, I haven't left home
Since I had myself cloned,
But I'm sending my double to work!

DOUBLE STANDARD
NOW's position may seem enigmatic,
Self-serving, two-faced, or erratic:
"However embarrassing,
All sexual harassing
Is okay if the jerk's Democratic!"

EAGLE FORMULA
There's a cure for the liberal bacillus
That's invaded our system to kill us:
Overcome ERA
(In pill form or spray!)
With the powerful antigen "Phyllis."

EAT THIS!
So the homicidal barbarian
Is a virtuous vegetarian!
Then keep Mr. Malvo lean
With sawdust and Valvoline
And indulge the culinary contrarian.

ECCE HOMO
"Comrades, have no fears;
It's only a matter of years:
We'll sneak some fairies
Through the seminaries;
Soon the Church will be full of queers!"

ECO-MANIACS
Their abiding misanthropy shows
What's behind the Earth Firster's pose,
For these mopes without mirth
Have no love for the earth
And are nothing but Mean Green Joes.

EMISSION IMPOSSIBLE
We're faced with a problem that's prickly.
We'd better do something, and quickly.
Forget the suspicions
About greenhouse emissions:
It's the wind from the White House that's sickly.

EMPOWERED AMERICAN
"Prodigality surely can hurt you,
And lead even dear friends to desert you,
But a person who's tasteful
Is allowed to be wasteful,"
Said a man who was known for his virtue.

ENDANGERED SPECIES
Ron Brown was but one of those linked
To the friends of Bill Clinton who blinked.
Who'll next join the roster
With the late Vincent Foster
Of the cronies confirmed as extinct?

END OF THE RAINBOW
Here's an end to the race-baiting game
And the constant consignment of blame:
We'll talk about race
Till we're blue in the face,
Then we'll all look exactly the same!

EXTRA INCOME
By dollar, by yen, or by ounce,
One can only surmise the amounts
That a solon retains
As his ill-gotten gains
In his numbered Swiss savings accounts.

FAILING MARX
Socialism is dead!
Done in, the indomitable Red!
Or so it would seem,
But in academe
One had better check under one's bed.

FAIRFAX COUNTY
Was there malice, perhaps, in your jest?
Some offense in the way that you're dressed?
If you'll just give us time,
We'll come up with a crime,
And then you'll be under arrest.

FALLS CONFIDENCE?
There's no better month than June
For a second honeymoon,
So it's off to Niagara
With a quart of Viagra
And an extra-large measuring spoon!

FEELING HIS OWN PAIN
Aware that he may be disbarred,
Bill Clinton is taking it hard:
He's never once paid
For mistakes he has made
And would rather not reap his reward.

FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING
There once was a man named Ray
Who worked at the Bon Marché
And got lots of strange stares
When he said unawares:
"I'm in Ladies' Lingerie."

FIRST AMENDMENT SUSPENDED
Look how far unbelievers have come
In making the faithful play dumb:
Once they found a jive judge
Who was willing to fudge,
Freedom of soon became freedom from.

FIRST THINGS FIRST
Before I start to hasslin'
With daily chores and rasslin'
To make ends meet,
I must complete
My coffee and McCaslin.

FISCAL ABUSE
"Sure, we're faced with a revenue glut
And could lower your tax levels, but
It takes plenty of dough
To make government grow
And we just can't afford any cut!"

FLAG POLL
As a gift for every descendant
In a Pledge of Allegiance amendment,
Would it be permissible
After "indivisible"
To add "sovereign and independent"?

FLIMFLAM SPAM
"I need your help to clear
A bank deposit here:
Just send some dough;
I'll let you know
When you can claim your share."

FOOL ECONOMY
"But, Boss, to save fuel, I must drive
Never faster than 55.
If I want to save plenty,
I must not exceed 20 –
Which explains why I'm last to arrive!"

FOUNDERING FATHER
"Though his name sounds familiar to me,
I'm still wondering who he could be:
In the index I look
Of my history book,
But George Washington's name I don't see."

FREE DUMB
"Sorry, Son, I know it's cruel
Letting you be raised a fool,
But if it's free
That's fine by me:
You're going to public school!"

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION
Students headed for college each fall
Have to keep their opinions in thrall:
It's essential to be
Perceived as "PC,"
So they try not to speak up at all.

FULL DISCLOSURE
A stripper deemed too independent
Was called into court as defendant;
She said of her charms:
"I've the right 'to bare arms';
It's enshrined in the Second Amendment."

FULL OF BILL
We'd expected to be fully free
Of his follies by 2003,
But, lacking the grace
To go hide his face,
Clinton keeps crying out, "Look at me!"

GENTLEMENTAL RESERVATION
Once we paused to hold the door,
Letting ladies go before;
Now manners vex
The fairer sex
And we dare not anymore.

GET THEM OUT!
Adios! Sayonara! Shalom!
Pack your toothbrush, your razor, and comb.
Adieu, Delegations
To the United Nations!
It's time for you all to go home.

GHOULS 2000
When deprived of proper tools,
Teachers turn out proper fools –
And not a smidgeon
Of religion
Is allowed in public schools.

GOBBLER
Hold your horses; we're not in a race.
Get that drumstick away from your face.
Now put your fork down
And stop making that frown.
You can eat when we finish the grace.

GONE AND FORGOTTEN
If Al Gore is starting to nag you,
Rest assured he will end up like Agnew:
In two-triple-zero,
He'll be gone just like Spiro,
And when someone says Gore, we will ask "who?"

GOODBYE, BAD MEN
The future's decidedly grim
For Fidel, for Saddam, and for Kim,
Because sooner or later
Each demonic dictator
Must get what is coming to him.

GOODBYE, GARY!
Pack your luggage and grab your coat
And prepare your concessional quote,
'Cause your seat's not secure
And we all know for sure
That you won't get Chandra's vote.

GOOD HUNTING
The September 11th attack
Justifies our crusade in Iraq.
Go ahead, G.I. Joe:
Take the fight to the foe
And make sure that they never come back.

GOREGOYLE
Atop the cathedral he stood
And embraced his absurd victimhood:
Al Gore can't bemoan
That he's not made of stone,
'Cause he likes being made out of wood.

GRADUATION DEITY
No religious beliefs were expressed
In his valedictorian address,
But he feigned an "achoo!"
And his classmates on cue
In unison shouted "God bless!"

GRASS CONSCIOUSNESS
My neighbor's a tree-hugging pain,
But he's unsympathetic to grain:
If I chance not to mow
And my grass starts to grow,
He's the first on the block to complain!

THE GRATINGEST GENERATION
It's rather unpleasant, the truth:
We Boomers were rude and uncouth.
But now that we're grown
We've a chance to atone
For our miserable, wastrel youth.

GRAY ACTIVISM
Poor Gray Davis has gotten the shakes
And is desperate to do what it takes
To elude liability
And preserve viability --
By kowtowing to fruits, nuts, and flakes.

HAPPY TRAIL'S END
Roy was hankering to be quite the quaff-swigger:
"So, I'll leave you right here by the trough, Trigger,
And spend all afternoon
In the Staghorn Saloon
With Tackett, Wayne Johns, and Lyn Nofziger."

HARD-BOILED YEGG
The crook did a song and dance:
"Judge, give me another chance!
Breaking into that vault
Really wasn't my fault
I'm a victim of circumstance."

HASTA LA VISTA, DAVIS!
There's a predator primed to replace you,
But this running man won't have to face you,
'Cause you're destined to fall
In the total recall
Californians contrived to erase you.

HEATHER HAS ALL THE LUCK
The kids in the class have to nod
When I say that my family's odd:
I've only one mother,
Dad won't have another
No matter how much I may prod.

HILLAREEN
What compares to the horrible fright
That will haunt us on Halloween night?
Consider the fear,
As elections draw near,
Ghoulish candidates soon will excite!

HILLARY'S CONVICTION
The First Lady's a post-modern wife
In responding to marital strife:
She'll stand by her man
As long as she can,
'Cause it's better than "20 to Life."

HILLARY'S DILEMMA
"If I run against Bush, I might lose.
If I balk and the voters should choose
Some Democrat elf,
I'll be stuck on the shelf
For another eight years paying dues."

HORSES SASS
A horse is a horse, oh yes!
Oh yes, he's a horse, unless --
Unless, of course,
He's a stalking horse
Like the famous General Wes.

HOT SPRINGS ETERNAL
Bill can suffer the arrows and slings
Of outrageous, unfortunate flings,
'Cause this big ham from Hope
Learned early to cope
By consorting with cons in Hot Springs.

HOUSE CLEANING
Congressman Traficant looks
Like a footnote in history books;
So, they threw the bum out,
But does anyone doubt
That the Congress is still full of crooks?

HOW ABOUT A REFUND?
It's plain, if you've eyes to see,
That no government program is free,
And apparent to some
That each program should come
With a money-back guarantee.

HURRAY FOR HARVEY!
Each day brings a new allegory
Of goodness and grace and glory:
Paul Harvey's sly tease
Makes listeners cry, "Please,
Please tell us 'the rest of the story.'"

HYPER LYNX
They've found lynx hair over there,
And more lynx hair over here.
The endangered lynx
Is okay, methinks,
When there's lynx hair everywhere!