I - Q
I AM A CROOK, SO WHAT?
The obstructionist’s “stonewall” was breached
And “critical mass” was then reached.
But, unlike Dick Nixon,
The Comeback Kid’s fixin’
To stay on after being impeached.
The obstructionist’s “stonewall” was breached
And “critical mass” was then reached.
But, unlike Dick Nixon,
The Comeback Kid’s fixin’
To stay on after being impeached.
I CHOOSE, YOU CENSOR
The librarian vents her invective
Against parents who say she’s subjective
In choosing which tracts
Go into the stacks,
And insists that she’s merely “selective.”
The librarian vents her invective
Against parents who say she’s subjective
In choosing which tracts
Go into the stacks,
And insists that she’s merely “selective.”
IDENTITY CRISIS
Now is the time to complain,
Before this becomes a refrain:
“Unless we can see
A valid I.D.,
You won’t be allowed on the plane!”
Now is the time to complain,
Before this becomes a refrain:
“Unless we can see
A valid I.D.,
You won’t be allowed on the plane!”
IDENTITY OF VICTIM MISTAKEN
"While Congress just sits there and fidgets,
We've got losses in high double digits:
We'll never come back
From the terror attack
Without federal support for our widgets."
"While Congress just sits there and fidgets,
We've got losses in high double digits:
We'll never come back
From the terror attack
Without federal support for our widgets."
INAUGURAL NIGHT
Bush had plenty of sleep before,
Knowing now he will get no more,
With the clanking chain
And the cries of pain
From the ghost of a grieving Gore.
Bush had plenty of sleep before,
Knowing now he will get no more,
With the clanking chain
And the cries of pain
From the ghost of a grieving Gore.
INCOMPLETE LIMERICK
You may think that Im pulling a prank,
But I'm trying my best to be frank:
In my search for a rhyme
I have run out of time,
So you'll just have to fill in the ___.
You may think that Im pulling a prank,
But I'm trying my best to be frank:
In my search for a rhyme
I have run out of time,
So you'll just have to fill in the ___.
IN DENIAL
Here's what to say to a clod
Who denies the existence of God:
"If He isn't true,
Then neither are you,
Who were shaped with a soul from His sod."
Here's what to say to a clod
Who denies the existence of God:
"If He isn't true,
Then neither are you,
Who were shaped with a soul from His sod."
INITIAL REACTION
The intern arrived optimistic,
But her outlook proved unrealistic.
Now she’s anxious to flee,
Having learned that D.C.
Means “Distinguishing Characteristic.”
The intern arrived optimistic,
But her outlook proved unrealistic.
Now she’s anxious to flee,
Having learned that D.C.
Means “Distinguishing Characteristic.”
IN OUR NAME
They can't see what the Fates have in store,
But they know what they're fighting for:
It's for you and me
And our liberty
That our soldiers are going to war.
They can't see what the Fates have in store,
But they know what they're fighting for:
It's for you and me
And our liberty
That our soldiers are going to war.
INSIDE JOB
Having failed in a decades-long try,
An appreciative communist spy
Pays a due compliment
To our own President
For destroying the FBI.
Having failed in a decades-long try,
An appreciative communist spy
Pays a due compliment
To our own President
For destroying the FBI.
INSIDE TRACK
It’s become the biennial norm
For incumbents to thunder and storm:
As they face reelection,
They embrace self-protection
In counterfeit campaign reform.
It’s become the biennial norm
For incumbents to thunder and storm:
As they face reelection,
They embrace self-protection
In counterfeit campaign reform.
INSTANT ANALYSIS
Jennings, Rather, Brokaw
Seem determined to jabber and jaw.
They think we’re too dumb
To discern the outcome
Of the campaign debate we just saw.
Jennings, Rather, Brokaw
Seem determined to jabber and jaw.
They think we’re too dumb
To discern the outcome
Of the campaign debate we just saw.
INTELLIGENT DESIGN
Did this limerick just appear?
Was this limerick always here?
Surely you know it
Betokens a poet
Like Duplantier, Nash, or Lear.
Did this limerick just appear?
Was this limerick always here?
Surely you know it
Betokens a poet
Like Duplantier, Nash, or Lear.
IN THE ARENA
In their triumph or in their defeat,
There is credit for those who compete,
But none for the cold
And timid soul
Ensconced in the spectator's seat.
In their triumph or in their defeat,
There is credit for those who compete,
But none for the cold
And timid soul
Ensconced in the spectator's seat.
INTRO TO ECONOMICS
It should come as no surprise
That poverty rates will rise
When more is spent
On the indigent,
‘Cause you get what you subsidize.
It should come as no surprise
That poverty rates will rise
When more is spent
On the indigent,
‘Cause you get what you subsidize.
I THEE WEB
“Mine’s an unusual case:
I was married in cyberspace,
My spouse and I met
By chance on the ‘Net,
And we still haven’t come face to face.”
“Mine’s an unusual case:
I was married in cyberspace,
My spouse and I met
By chance on the ‘Net,
And we still haven’t come face to face.”
I'VE GOT MAIL!
What a popular guy I am!
My inbox is just a jam!
I never fail
To get lots of mail!
(Okay, so it's mostly spam.)
What a popular guy I am!
My inbox is just a jam!
I never fail
To get lots of mail!
(Okay, so it's mostly spam.)
JOHN, DICK, OR HOWIE
"I was confident acclaim
Would soon magnify my fame;
So, how can it be
No one's heard of me
Or even knows my name?"
"I was confident acclaim
Would soon magnify my fame;
So, how can it be
No one's heard of me
Or even knows my name?"
THE JOURNALIST
In the past, he was forced to “pay dues”
And develop “a nose for the news.”
Well, he still has a nose,
But, my, how it grows
When the facts must conform to his views!
In the past, he was forced to “pay dues”
And develop “a nose for the news.”
Well, he still has a nose,
But, my, how it grows
When the facts must conform to his views!
JUDICIAL RESTRAINT
It’s a perfectly valid complaint:
An activist judge is no saint.
So, give him a jacket
That ties in the back; it
Will force him to show some restraint.
It’s a perfectly valid complaint:
An activist judge is no saint.
So, give him a jacket
That ties in the back; it
Will force him to show some restraint.
JUST SAY NO?
Today we discovered the thrills
Of powders, potations, and pills.
Our teacher gave plugs
For all sorts of drugs
To test our assertiveness skills.
Today we discovered the thrills
Of powders, potations, and pills.
Our teacher gave plugs
For all sorts of drugs
To test our assertiveness skills.
KILLJOY
Who but a hardhearted heathen
For some nefarious reason
Would ignore the morn
When our Savior was born
And call Christmas the "holiday season"?
Who but a hardhearted heathen
For some nefarious reason
Would ignore the morn
When our Savior was born
And call Christmas the "holiday season"?
KING CLINTON
“I’m putting the Congress at ease
And giving the governors the breeze:
With executive orders,
I need no supporters
And can do pretty much as I please!”
“I’m putting the Congress at ease
And giving the governors the breeze:
With executive orders,
I need no supporters
And can do pretty much as I please!”
KINGFISHY
Huey Long could not have foreseen
This perverse American dream,
But the vision today
In a land going gay
Is of every man a queen.
Huey Long could not have foreseen
This perverse American dream,
But the vision today
In a land going gay
Is of every man a queen.
THE KINKY REPORT
Of evidence there wasn’t a shred
To support all the things Kinsey said,
And now we’re alerted
That the fiend was perverted,
But the schools keep on teaching sex ed!
Of evidence there wasn’t a shred
To support all the things Kinsey said,
And now we’re alerted
That the fiend was perverted,
But the schools keep on teaching sex ed!
LANDRIEU
She stole the first election
With her Crescent City connection:
She put in the fix
In '96,
But this race has a different complexion.
She stole the first election
With her Crescent City connection:
She put in the fix
In '96,
But this race has a different complexion.
LAWRENCE V. TEXAS
The evil with which men are ridden
In normal times hardly is hidden,
But no era's more awful
Than when vice is made lawful
And propriety, then, is forbidden.
The evil with which men are ridden
In normal times hardly is hidden,
But no era's more awful
Than when vice is made lawful
And propriety, then, is forbidden.
LATE RETIREMENT
With taxes exorbitantly high,
It’s hard to put anything by.
And yet there’s no surety
In Social Security,
So I guess I’ll just work ‘til I die.
With taxes exorbitantly high,
It’s hard to put anything by.
And yet there’s no surety
In Social Security,
So I guess I’ll just work ‘til I die.
LEFTWARD, HO!
Though their Party's completely bereft
Of ideas that are daring and deft,
They have more than enough
Of that socialist stuff,
So the Democrats blindly move left.
Though their Party's completely bereft
Of ideas that are daring and deft,
They have more than enough
Of that socialist stuff,
So the Democrats blindly move left.
LEFT WITHOUT A CENT
A liberal’s like to be lax
When recommending a tax.
With a glut in his heart
And his brain low a quart,
He will give you the shirts off our backs!
A liberal’s like to be lax
When recommending a tax.
With a glut in his heart
And his brain low a quart,
He will give you the shirts off our backs!
LEGAL ISSUE
Five Justices' wanton support
Preserves the grim "right" to abort:
To keep babies alive,
Replace one of those five
And establish a life-choosing Court.
Five Justices' wanton support
Preserves the grim "right" to abort:
To keep babies alive,
Replace one of those five
And establish a life-choosing Court.
LESS THAN APPARENT
“I don’t know what’s to be done
With my sullen and insolent son:
I bought him a car,
His own VCR,
A Walkman, a Gameboy, and gun!”
“I don’t know what’s to be done
With my sullen and insolent son:
I bought him a car,
His own VCR,
A Walkman, a Gameboy, and gun!”
LET OUR PEOPLE GO!
"Once we had to march and shout
'Cause we had so little clout:
Public schools back then
Wouldn't let us in
-- And now won't let us out!"
"Once we had to march and shout
'Cause we had so little clout:
Public schools back then
Wouldn't let us in
-- And now won't let us out!"
THE LIKENESS MONSTER
How grim is the socialist plan
To create a new socialist man
Who’ll be malleably meek
And in no way unique
In a world that is hopelessly bland!
How grim is the socialist plan
To create a new socialist man
Who’ll be malleably meek
And in no way unique
In a world that is hopelessly bland!
LIONS THAT SQUEAK
How bravely they battled before!
How glistening their glories of yore!
Now the Germans and French
Only sit on the bench,
'Cause they're not first-string players anymore.
How bravely they battled before!
How glistening their glories of yore!
Now the Germans and French
Only sit on the bench,
'Cause they're not first-string players anymore.
LIVING HYSTERIA
Since no one's been able to spot him,
It's safe to assume that we got him;
Though we've cooked Laden's goose,
There's a nut on the loose:
Hillary "Osama bin" Rodham!
Since no one's been able to spot him,
It's safe to assume that we got him;
Though we've cooked Laden's goose,
There's a nut on the loose:
Hillary "Osama bin" Rodham!
LOATHING BILL CLINTON
Each September 11th ask why
The best President money could buy
-- When Osama bin Laden
Might well have been gotten --
Did not even bother to try.
Each September 11th ask why
The best President money could buy
-- When Osama bin Laden
Might well have been gotten --
Did not even bother to try.
THE LONG & SHORT OF IT
Let iambs and anapests meet,
Dactyls and trochees compete,
But give yourself time
To get to each rhyme
Or you're bound to trip over your feet.
Let iambs and anapests meet,
Dactyls and trochees compete,
But give yourself time
To get to each rhyme
Or you're bound to trip over your feet.
LOOK FOR THE UNION LIBEL
"Be forewarned that our slanders won't stop
Until yours is a unionized shop:
Oh, the pictures we'll paint
When we file our complaint!
So you might as well throw us a sop."
"Be forewarned that our slanders won't stop
Until yours is a unionized shop:
Oh, the pictures we'll paint
When we file our complaint!
So you might as well throw us a sop."
LOOT FOR THE HOME TEAM
“A new stadium slakes our esteem
(With a taxpayer-financing scheme):
You fans in the stands
Must meet our demands
Or you won’t even have a home team!”
“A new stadium slakes our esteem
(With a taxpayer-financing scheme):
You fans in the stands
Must meet our demands
Or you won’t even have a home team!”
LOSING IT
Albert screamed on Inaugural Day
As the ambulance took him away:
"I'm the king! I'm the czar!
I'm Simba! Babar!
I'm the sovereign of all I survey!"
Albert screamed on Inaugural Day
As the ambulance took him away:
"I'm the king! I'm the czar!
I'm Simba! Babar!
I'm the sovereign of all I survey!"
LOSING OUR CENSUS
Because GOP gains have been striking,
The Democrats counter by spiking:
They’ll make themselves ample
By skewing a sample
To get numbers much more to their liking.
Because GOP gains have been striking,
The Democrats counter by spiking:
They’ll make themselves ample
By skewing a sample
To get numbers much more to their liking.
LOSING THEIR TORCH
"The polls that are now coming in
Show we haven't a chance to win,
So we'll pull our man out,
Then rummage about
And start all over again."
"The polls that are now coming in
Show we haven't a chance to win,
So we'll pull our man out,
Then rummage about
And start all over again."
LOST ON EARTH
We're so eager to find a trace
Of the least little life in space,
But here on Earth
We bar the birth
Of lives we could embrace.
We're so eager to find a trace
Of the least little life in space,
But here on Earth
We bar the birth
Of lives we could embrace.
LYING HISTORY
A librarian with conviction,
Finding too much contradiction
In a certain book
By a noted crook,
Had it classified as "fiction."
A librarian with conviction,
Finding too much contradiction
In a certain book
By a noted crook,
Had it classified as "fiction."
MAGIC WORDS
Sir and ma'am and thanks and please --
Have you children heard of these?
Their cost is nil,
But their usage will
Set your elders' minds at ease.
Sir and ma'am and thanks and please --
Have you children heard of these?
Their cost is nil,
But their usage will
Set your elders' minds at ease.
MAN DATE
The September 11th attack
Put America back on track,
But the nags at NOW
Are having a cow
'Cause the Macho Man is back!
The September 11th attack
Put America back on track,
But the nags at NOW
Are having a cow
'Cause the Macho Man is back!
MARRIAGE MODEL
For too long girls were taught to behave
Like a tramp or a sexual slave,
But now they have Erika,
The new Miss America,
To remind them that sex is to save.
For too long girls were taught to behave
Like a tramp or a sexual slave,
But now they have Erika,
The new Miss America,
To remind them that sex is to save.
MARXIST TOOL
Here’s a memory we all can enjoy
From Al Junior’s career as a boy:
He’d wheedle and yammer
To get a toy hammer,
But a Hammer got him as a toy!
Here’s a memory we all can enjoy
From Al Junior’s career as a boy:
He’d wheedle and yammer
To get a toy hammer,
But a Hammer got him as a toy!
MATERNITY CASE
Once more, for what it’s worth:
Your mother is not the Earth!
And that’s because
Your mother was
The woman who gave you birth.
Once more, for what it’s worth:
Your mother is not the Earth!
And that’s because
Your mother was
The woman who gave you birth.
McPIG
You've grown by leaps and bounds;
Your super size astounds;
The fact is that
You're really fat:
Four-three, three hundred pounds!
You've grown by leaps and bounds;
Your super size astounds;
The fact is that
You're really fat:
Four-three, three hundred pounds!
MEMORIAL
We were soldiers once, and young.
We were soldiers once, and young.
Though our courage goes unsung,
Every man of us was gung-ho!
We were soldiers once, and young.
We were soldiers once, and young.
We were soldiers once, and young.
Though our courage goes unsung,
Every man of us was gung-ho!
We were soldiers once, and young.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEDFORD FALLS!
He's known plenty of struggle and strife,
But George Bailey is blessed with a wife
And family and friends
On whom he depends:
What he has is a wonderful life.
He's known plenty of struggle and strife,
But George Bailey is blessed with a wife
And family and friends
On whom he depends:
What he has is a wonderful life.
MID-LIFE CRISIS
Europeans have come to depend
On their western allies to defend.
What will they say, though,
When a peacekeeping NATO
Embarks on a war-making trend?
Europeans have come to depend
On their western allies to defend.
What will they say, though,
When a peacekeeping NATO
Embarks on a war-making trend?
MILITANT FEMINISM?
In the army, the air force, or navy,
One must answer "Yes, Sir!" never "Maybe"
-- Except for the faction
Who decline to see action,
Who say, " 'Scuse me, I'm having a baby!"
In the army, the air force, or navy,
One must answer "Yes, Sir!" never "Maybe"
-- Except for the faction
Who decline to see action,
Who say, " 'Scuse me, I'm having a baby!"
MISSED ALREADY
Their abuses I could not abide
And I'm thankful their third term's denied,
But this ranter in rhyme
May have a hard time
Without Clinton and Gore to deride.
Their abuses I could not abide
And I'm thankful their third term's denied,
But this ranter in rhyme
May have a hard time
Without Clinton and Gore to deride.
MIXED BREED
The fertility clinic messed up
And assigned to my wife the wrong "cup":
Thanks to their help,
She delivered a whelp
And I'm now the proud pop of a pup!
The fertility clinic messed up
And assigned to my wife the wrong "cup":
Thanks to their help,
She delivered a whelp
And I'm now the proud pop of a pup!
MIXED MESSAGE
When a boy and a girl have a date
And it looks like he’ll get to homeplate,
They must have protection
To ward off infection,
Though it’s better, of course, if they wait.
When a boy and a girl have a date
And it looks like he’ll get to homeplate,
They must have protection
To ward off infection,
Though it’s better, of course, if they wait.
MODEST PROPOSAL
You're opposed to "unnatural" means
Like genetically altering beans?
Then tell your brood,
When we run out of food,
That they'll just have to eat those Greens!
You're opposed to "unnatural" means
Like genetically altering beans?
Then tell your brood,
When we run out of food,
That they'll just have to eat those Greens!
MONKEY BUSINESS
Evolutionists get into scrapes
And elicit all manner of japes:
We’ll allow that these loons
Harken back to baboons,
But our own family trees have no apes!
Evolutionists get into scrapes
And elicit all manner of japes:
We’ll allow that these loons
Harken back to baboons,
But our own family trees have no apes!
MORE STUDY
The multi-year study's completed,
But no one will bother to read it,
'Cause we already know
That the research will show
That more research is needed.
The multi-year study's completed,
But no one will bother to read it,
'Cause we already know
That the research will show
That more research is needed.
MOTHER'S DAZE
"In confusion I resorted
To the 'choice' that was exhorted;
Now every day
I cry and pray
For the baby I aborted."
"In confusion I resorted
To the 'choice' that was exhorted;
Now every day
I cry and pray
For the baby I aborted."
MR. GORE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD
The Vice President went to pay court,
And kept his appeal very short:
“I may be a felon,
But a big fan of Ellen
Deserves your financial support.”
The Vice President went to pay court,
And kept his appeal very short:
“I may be a felon,
But a big fan of Ellen
Deserves your financial support.”
MR. PRECEDENT
What a vile conglomeration
Of every abomination:
In Clinton’s wake,
Only villains will make
A bid for the nomination.
What a vile conglomeration
Of every abomination:
In Clinton’s wake,
Only villains will make
A bid for the nomination.
MS. ANTHROPE
“You chauvinists try to deny
That a woman’s as strong as a guy,
But we know that we can
Replace any man,
And you’d better agree or we’ll cry!”
“You chauvinists try to deny
That a woman’s as strong as a guy,
But we know that we can
Replace any man,
And you’d better agree or we’ll cry!”
NAMING NAMES
Historians and linguists may miss
The apposite nature of this,
But the sound that a snake
Is given to make
Was a surname well-suited to Hiss.
Historians and linguists may miss
The apposite nature of this,
But the sound that a snake
Is given to make
Was a surname well-suited to Hiss.
NEA ENNUI
"We ignore those impossible pests
And their parents' complaints and requests:
As a matter of prudence,
We disregard students
And focus on feathering our nests."
"We ignore those impossible pests
And their parents' complaints and requests:
As a matter of prudence,
We disregard students
And focus on feathering our nests."
NEVER SAY NEVER
For six years we have lived with the dread
We were constantly being misled,
But proposed resignation
Evoked true irritation
And for once we believed what Bill said!
For six years we have lived with the dread
We were constantly being misled,
But proposed resignation
Evoked true irritation
And for once we believed what Bill said!
NEW DEMOCRATS
As the Party eliminates
Moral standards for candidates,
More and more recruits
Display attributes
Of Don Juan, Dorian Gray, Norman Bates.
As the Party eliminates
Moral standards for candidates,
More and more recruits
Display attributes
Of Don Juan, Dorian Gray, Norman Bates.
NEW WAGE MOVEMENT
In the past a young worker aspired
To do what advancement required.
But, with the new rage
To raise minimum wage,
He’ll be lucky to even get hired.
In the past a young worker aspired
To do what advancement required.
But, with the new rage
To raise minimum wage,
He’ll be lucky to even get hired.
NEW WORD ORDERED
Herewith we summarize
The new defense for lies:
“Though you believe
That I deceive,
I merely clintonize!”
Herewith we summarize
The new defense for lies:
“Though you believe
That I deceive,
I merely clintonize!”
NEW YOCK TIMES
As a critic, I have to be fair
And admit that the Times has a flair:
A flair for the pious
Denial of bias
And for stories made out of thin air.
As a critic, I have to be fair
And admit that the Times has a flair:
A flair for the pious
Denial of bias
And for stories made out of thin air.
NO-BILL PRIZE
Will our “peacemaking” Prez go to Sweden
To collect the acclaim he’s been needin’
And bring home a Nobel
To admire in his cell
In a fetish of fame without freedom?
Will our “peacemaking” Prez go to Sweden
To collect the acclaim he’s been needin’
And bring home a Nobel
To admire in his cell
In a fetish of fame without freedom?
NO CURE FOR THE COMMON SCOLD
They insist we directly disown
Every pleasure and pastime that’s known.
Those “natural” nags
And health-conscious hags
Oh, why can’t they leave us alone?
They insist we directly disown
Every pleasure and pastime that’s known.
Those “natural” nags
And health-conscious hags
Oh, why can’t they leave us alone?
NO EXCEPTIONS
The rule of law, don’t you see,
Is the essence of liberty
And freedom will end
When leaders pretend
“The rules don’t apply to me.”
The rule of law, don’t you see,
Is the essence of liberty
And freedom will end
When leaders pretend
“The rules don’t apply to me.”
NO JOKE
I'm loath to make light of the lying,
The fraud, the corruption, the spying:
The norms villains shatter
Are no laughing matter,
But the only alternative's crying.
I'm loath to make light of the lying,
The fraud, the corruption, the spying:
The norms villains shatter
Are no laughing matter,
But the only alternative's crying.
NO SALE
Downwardly spirals demand
For that outdated Albert Gore brand
The quality's cheap,
The price way too steep
And Prince Albert is soon to be canned.
Downwardly spirals demand
For that outdated Albert Gore brand
The quality's cheap,
The price way too steep
And Prince Albert is soon to be canned.
NOVEL IDEA
In The Wanting Seed, Anthony Burgess
Prophesied the preposterous purges
He knew surely would come
When the righteous play dumb
And the vicious give vent to their urges.
In The Wanting Seed, Anthony Burgess
Prophesied the preposterous purges
He knew surely would come
When the righteous play dumb
And the vicious give vent to their urges.
NUTTY GIRL
Hollywood people are
The nuttiest people by far,
But Barbra Streisand
Takes the prize and
Proves herself a star.
Hollywood people are
The nuttiest people by far,
But Barbra Streisand
Takes the prize and
Proves herself a star.
OCTOBER 18, 1986
I had covered quite a span
As a 30-year-old man,
But I have to say
My wedding day
Was when my life began.
I had covered quite a span
As a 30-year-old man,
But I have to say
My wedding day
Was when my life began.
OH, WAITER!
"What's this fly doing in my soup?"
I demand with my spoon in mid-scoop.
The response I receive:
"Backstroke, I believe."
To what depths will the wry waiter stoop!
"What's this fly doing in my soup?"
I demand with my spoon in mid-scoop.
The response I receive:
"Backstroke, I believe."
To what depths will the wry waiter stoop!
OLDER & WIDER
As a lad I was long and lean
And drank gallons of Ovaltine,
But I had to rethink
That rich chocolate drink
When I wound up an oval teen.
As a lad I was long and lean
And drank gallons of Ovaltine,
But I had to rethink
That rich chocolate drink
When I wound up an oval teen.
OMINOUS SPENDING
If Republicans had but the will,
They’d rejuvenate Capitol Hill,
And just for a start
Drive a stake through the heart
Of the Omnibus Spending Bill.
If Republicans had but the will,
They’d rejuvenate Capitol Hill,
And just for a start
Drive a stake through the heart
Of the Omnibus Spending Bill.
ONE NATION AND DIVISIBLE
Any immigrant may at the start
Want to hold his own heritage to heart,
But beware of the vulture
That is “multiculture”:
It’s clawing our country apart.
Any immigrant may at the start
Want to hold his own heritage to heart,
But beware of the vulture
That is “multiculture”:
It’s clawing our country apart.
OPUS TWO
Of the varied lay orders he scoured,
Opus Dei above others towered,
But the postulant was dopey
And espoused Deus Opie,
Unaware that they worshipped Ron Howard.
Of the varied lay orders he scoured,
Opus Dei above others towered,
But the postulant was dopey
And espoused Deus Opie,
Unaware that they worshipped Ron Howard.
OSAMA BIN RODHAM
Our shirts, mugs, and stickers have verve
And have thrown the gatekeepers a curve.
Andrew Sullivan's panned 'em.
Even eBay has banned 'em.
It appears we have hit on a nerve!
Our shirts, mugs, and stickers have verve
And have thrown the gatekeepers a curve.
Andrew Sullivan's panned 'em.
Even eBay has banned 'em.
It appears we have hit on a nerve!
THE OTHER GRAY LADY
Though the voters decided to choose
Arnie over McClintock and Cruz,
According to leaders
And newspaper readers,
The Los Angeles Times stands to lose.
Though the voters decided to choose
Arnie over McClintock and Cruz,
According to leaders
And newspaper readers,
The Los Angeles Times stands to lose.
OUTLAW SCOUT LAW?
Should Scouts suppress their squareness
For fashionable fairyland "fairness"
And give badges of merit
To all who can parrot
Propaganda on "AIDS awareness"?
Should Scouts suppress their squareness
For fashionable fairyland "fairness"
And give badges of merit
To all who can parrot
Propaganda on "AIDS awareness"?
OUT OF CIRCULATION
Social scientists have to be blind
Not to see why the crime rate’s declined:
When more thugs are in stir,
Fewer crimes will occur,
‘Cause they can’t commit crimes while confined.
Social scientists have to be blind
Not to see why the crime rate’s declined:
When more thugs are in stir,
Fewer crimes will occur,
‘Cause they can’t commit crimes while confined.
OVA REACTION
"Whistling at my shapely legs
Violates my rules and regs,
But I'll drop pretense
And take no offense
If you want to buy my eggs."
"Whistling at my shapely legs
Violates my rules and regs,
But I'll drop pretense
And take no offense
If you want to buy my eggs."
OVER (AND OVER)
You say you can't stand anymore
Advertisements for Bush or Al Gore?
Well, no matter who's won,
This election is done,
So get ready for 2004!
You say you can't stand anymore
Advertisements for Bush or Al Gore?
Well, no matter who's won,
This election is done,
So get ready for 2004!
OVERSIGHT
Show us where in the argumentation
For new "standards" in education
Is their rigorous quality
Or idle frivolity
Given any consideration.
Show us where in the argumentation
For new "standards" in education
Is their rigorous quality
Or idle frivolity
Given any consideration.
PASSION
Critics say it's a judgmental story
With scenes that are overly gory,
But that's what you're liable
To read in the Bible
Of sacrifice leading to glory.
Critics say it's a judgmental story
With scenes that are overly gory,
But that's what you're liable
To read in the Bible
Of sacrifice leading to glory.
PAX MAN
You may laugh at my pacifist claim;
I'm a peace-loving lad just the same:
In a fight against faction,
I love a piece of the action --
And to practice my pass-a-fist aim.
You may laugh at my pacifist claim;
I'm a peace-loving lad just the same:
In a fight against faction,
I love a piece of the action --
And to practice my pass-a-fist aim.
P.C. (POST CHRISTIAN)
The other children teased her
For being a faithful feaster:
When the pagan takes
His seasonal breaks,
She celebrates Christmas and Easter.
The other children teased her
For being a faithful feaster:
When the pagan takes
His seasonal breaks,
She celebrates Christmas and Easter.
PEACE PORRIDGE
Here's a lesson for beginners,
Beguiled by pacifist spinners:
There are at least
Two kinds of peace,
The loser's and the winner's.
Here's a lesson for beginners,
Beguiled by pacifist spinners:
There are at least
Two kinds of peace,
The loser's and the winner's.
PEROTS & CONS
“Perhaps some of you are at a loss
Why I want to be President Ross.
It’s simple, you see:
It’s better for me
If I am the one who is boss!”
“Perhaps some of you are at a loss
Why I want to be President Ross.
It’s simple, you see:
It’s better for me
If I am the one who is boss!”
PeTR
Some groups save endangered flocks.
Our group saves endangered rocks.
Send your donation
To our foundation:
Help maintain our P.O. Box.
Some groups save endangered flocks.
Our group saves endangered rocks.
Send your donation
To our foundation:
Help maintain our P.O. Box.
PHONY EXPRESS
It's not all that hard to explain
Why the media fawn on McCain:
You know they would balk
At truly "straight talk,"
But they love a Republican bane.
It's not all that hard to explain
Why the media fawn on McCain:
You know they would balk
At truly "straight talk,"
But they love a Republican bane.
POLICE, THANK YOU!
Promise next time you see one you'll stop,
When out for a stroll or to shop,
And give him a hand
For taking a stand:
It's the least you can do for a cop.
Promise next time you see one you'll stop,
When out for a stroll or to shop,
And give him a hand
For taking a stand:
It's the least you can do for a cop.
POLITICKLES REVIEWED
Conservatives say it's a gas,
But liberals give it a pass:
My book is a mirror
That shows their flaws clearer,
And they hate what they see in the glass!
Conservatives say it's a gas,
But liberals give it a pass:
My book is a mirror
That shows their flaws clearer,
And they hate what they see in the glass!
THE POLITICS OF DEMEANING
When Bill sells a scheme he’s emphatic,
His response to his foes automatic:
Anyone who says, “But “
Is dismissed as a nut,
A right-wing religious fanatic.
When Bill sells a scheme he’s emphatic,
His response to his foes automatic:
Anyone who says, “But “
Is dismissed as a nut,
A right-wing religious fanatic.
POLL FAULT
If they’re often the idlest of souls,
If their names can’t be found on the rolls,
If they won’t likely vote,
Why do we take note
Of opinions they offer in polls?
If they’re often the idlest of souls,
If their names can’t be found on the rolls,
If they won’t likely vote,
Why do we take note
Of opinions they offer in polls?
POR QUE PIG?
From the looks of things, I must assume
When I told you kids, "Pick up your room,"
That you misunderstood
And did all that you could
To deliberately "pig up" your room.
From the looks of things, I must assume
When I told you kids, "Pick up your room,"
That you misunderstood
And did all that you could
To deliberately "pig up" your room.
POSTMARITAL SAX
"Hurry, Bill, take off your slacks
And give Hillary one thing she lacks!
Oh, that's so good!
Bill, you misunderstood
When I said that I didn't like sax."
"Hurry, Bill, take off your slacks
And give Hillary one thing she lacks!
Oh, that's so good!
Bill, you misunderstood
When I said that I didn't like sax."
POSTPOSTMODERN
“The crude and obscene we outwore,
And blasphemy’s now such a bore,
But being blasé
Is also passé:
Avant garde’s just no fun anymore!”
“The crude and obscene we outwore,
And blasphemy’s now such a bore,
But being blasé
Is also passé:
Avant garde’s just no fun anymore!”
POWELL DOCTRINE
"You'll need power without peer
And objectives that are clear,
Plus clever tactics
-- And prophylactics!"
Said Powell with a leer.
"You'll need power without peer
And objectives that are clear,
Plus clever tactics
-- And prophylactics!"
Said Powell with a leer.
POWER PLAY
We’ve no choice when they give us the squeeze
With their rate hikes and multiple fees,
So let’s pull the plug
On those haughty and smug
Electric monopolies.
We’ve no choice when they give us the squeeze
With their rate hikes and multiple fees,
So let’s pull the plug
On those haughty and smug
Electric monopolies.
POX AMERICANA
"Though we suffer the simmering effects
Of syphillis, herpes simplex,
Gonorrhea, and AIDS
From our rash escapades,
We make certain to practice 'safe sex.'"
"Though we suffer the simmering effects
Of syphillis, herpes simplex,
Gonorrhea, and AIDS
From our rash escapades,
We make certain to practice 'safe sex.'"
PREFIXATION
Adding Euro- and Afro- won’t do:
Ethnic conflict will only ensue.
No hyphen for me:
I’m happy to be
An American through and through.
Adding Euro- and Afro- won’t do:
Ethnic conflict will only ensue.
No hyphen for me:
I’m happy to be
An American through and through.
PRESERVATION CAJUN-STYLE
Save the salmon and save the seal,
Save the gator and save the eel,
The dolphin, the whale,
The mussel, the snail:
Save them all for my next meal.
Save the salmon and save the seal,
Save the gator and save the eel,
The dolphin, the whale,
The mussel, the snail:
Save them all for my next meal.
PRESERVE THE UNION
Gay advocates harry and vex,
Making simple things seem so complex,
But the truth's never varied:
They've the right to get married --
To a member of the opposite sex!
Gay advocates harry and vex,
Making simple things seem so complex,
But the truth's never varied:
They've the right to get married --
To a member of the opposite sex!
THE PRICE IS RIOT
A new cell phone or VCR?
CD player to put in your car?
Don't bother to buy it,
Just set off a riot,
Get it free at the bandits' bazaar.
A new cell phone or VCR?
CD player to put in your car?
Don't bother to buy it,
Just set off a riot,
Get it free at the bandits' bazaar.
PRINCIPLED PREJUDICE
A Democrat’s quick with a quip
And this one’s especially a pip:
In a fight to the death,
He demands with each breath
That his foe show “bipartisanship”!
A Democrat’s quick with a quip
And this one’s especially a pip:
In a fight to the death,
He demands with each breath
That his foe show “bipartisanship”!
"PRO-FAMILY" MAN
You'll discard any ludicrous notion
Of a salary increase or promotion
When you jump through the hoops
For those "pro-family" groups
That demand your unthinking devotion.
You'll discard any ludicrous notion
Of a salary increase or promotion
When you jump through the hoops
For those "pro-family" groups
That demand your unthinking devotion.
PROFILES IN CARNAGE
Multiculturalism assails
Common sense until it fails:
Screeners x-ray granny
And pat down the nanny,
But ignore young Arab males.
Multiculturalism assails
Common sense until it fails:
Screeners x-ray granny
And pat down the nanny,
But ignore young Arab males.
PRO SCRIBES
The “professional” journalists fudge
When asked why they hold such a grudge:
They can’t bear to tell us
That they simply are jealous,
Being scooped by that “amateur” Drudge.
The “professional” journalists fudge
When asked why they hold such a grudge:
They can’t bear to tell us
That they simply are jealous,
Being scooped by that “amateur” Drudge.
PRYOR RESTRAINT
"Judicial nominee Pryor
May appeal to authority higher
And display legal laurels
And superior morals,
But venality's what we desire."
"Judicial nominee Pryor
May appeal to authority higher
And display legal laurels
And superior morals,
But venality's what we desire."
PUBLIC PROPERTY?
“No entrance allowed,” guards remark,
“Either after or prior to dark.
Access is restricted,
Denied, interdicted –
To this taxpayer-subsidized park.”
“No entrance allowed,” guards remark,
“Either after or prior to dark.
Access is restricted,
Denied, interdicted –
To this taxpayer-subsidized park.”
PUTTING THE LEG IN LEGACY
A filtering V-chip’s desired
‘Til our Masher-in-Chief is retired:
His obsession with sex
Makes our news triple-X
And parental discretion required.
A filtering V-chip’s desired
‘Til our Masher-in-Chief is retired:
His obsession with sex
Makes our news triple-X
And parental discretion required.
PUTTING THE VICE IN VICE PRESIDENT
For eight years they were joined at the head
And Al Gore always did what Bill said,
But now this big goof
Pretends he’s aloof
And a man of high morals instead!
For eight years they were joined at the head
And Al Gore always did what Bill said,
But now this big goof
Pretends he’s aloof
And a man of high morals instead!
QUEENS COLLEGE
"Your report card's created a fuss
With your father and me: Both of us
Are a little bit leery
Of this course called 'Queer Theory'
-- And the fact that you got an A-plus."
"Your report card's created a fuss
With your father and me: Both of us
Are a little bit leery
Of this course called 'Queer Theory'
-- And the fact that you got an A-plus."