I - Q
The obstructionists stonewall was breached
And critical mass was then reached.
But, unlike Dick Nixon,
The Comeback Kids fixin
To stay on after being impeached.
The librarian vents her invective
Against parents who say shes subjective
In choosing which tracts
Go into the stacks,
And insists that shes merely selective.
Now is the time to complain,
Before this becomes a refrain:
Unless we can see
A valid I.D.,
You wont be allowed on the plane!
"While Congress just sits there and fidgets,
We've got losses in high double digits:
We'll never come back
From the terror attack
Without federal support for our widgets."
Bush had plenty of sleep before,
Knowing now he will get no more,
With the clanking chain
And the cries of pain
From the ghost of a grieving Gore.
You may think that Im pulling a prank,
But I'm trying my best to be frank:
In my search for a rhyme
I have run out of time,
So you'll just have to fill in the ___.
Here's what to say to a clod
Who denies the existence of God:
"If He isn't true,
Then neither are you,
Who were shaped with a soul from His sod."
The intern arrived optimistic,
But her outlook proved unrealistic.
Now shes anxious to flee,
Having learned that D.C.
Means Distinguishing Characteristic.
They can't see what the Fates have in store,
But they know what they're fighting for:
It's for you and me
And our liberty
That our soldiers are going to war.
Having failed in a decades-long try,
An appreciative communist spy
Pays a due compliment
To our own President
For destroying the FBI.
Its become the biennial norm
For incumbents to thunder and storm:
As they face reelection,
They embrace self-protection
In counterfeit campaign reform.
Jennings, Rather, Brokaw
Seem determined to jabber and jaw.
They think were too dumb
To discern the outcome
Of the campaign debate we just saw.
Did this limerick just appear?
Was this limerick always here?
Surely you know it
Betokens a poet
Like Duplantier, Nash, or Lear.
In their triumph or in their defeat,
There is credit for those who compete,
But none for the cold
And timid soul
Ensconced in the spectator's seat.
It should come as no surprise
That poverty rates will rise
When more is spent
On the indigent,
Cause you get what you subsidize.
Mines an unusual case:
I was married in cyberspace,
My spouse and I met
By chance on the Net,
And we still havent come face to face.
What a popular guy I am!
My inbox is just a jam!
I never fail
To get lots of mail!
(Okay, so it's mostly spam.)
"I was confident acclaim
Would soon magnify my fame;
So, how can it be
No one's heard of me
Or even knows my name?"
In the past, he was forced to pay dues
And develop a nose for the news.
Well, he still has a nose,
But, my, how it grows
When the facts must conform to his views!
Its a perfectly valid complaint:
An activist judge is no saint.
So, give him a jacket
That ties in the back; it
Will force him to show some restraint.
Today we discovered the thrills
Of powders, potations, and pills.
Our teacher gave plugs
For all sorts of drugs
To test our assertiveness skills.
Who but a hardhearted heathen
For some nefarious reason
Would ignore the morn
When our Savior was born
And call Christmas the "holiday season"?
Im putting the Congress at ease
And giving the governors the breeze:
With executive orders,
I need no supporters
And can do pretty much as I please!
Huey Long could not have foreseen
This perverse American dream,
But the vision today
In a land going gay
Is of every man a queen.
Of evidence there wasnt a shred
To support all the things Kinsey said,
And now were alerted
That the fiend was perverted,
But the schools keep on teaching sex ed!
She stole the first election
With her Crescent City connection:
She put in the fix
But this race has a different complexion.
The evil with which men are ridden
In normal times hardly is hidden,
But no era's more awful
Than when vice is made lawful
And propriety, then, is forbidden.
With taxes exorbitantly high,
Its hard to put anything by.
And yet theres no surety
In Social Security,
So I guess Ill just work til I die.
Though their Party's completely bereft
Of ideas that are daring and deft,
They have more than enough
Of that socialist stuff,
So the Democrats blindly move left.
A liberals like to be lax
When recommending a tax.
With a glut in his heart
And his brain low a quart,
He will give you the shirts off our backs!
Five Justices' wanton support
Preserves the grim "right" to abort:
To keep babies alive,
Replace one of those five
And establish a life-choosing Court.
I dont know whats to be done
With my sullen and insolent son:
I bought him a car,
His own VCR,
A Walkman, a Gameboy, and gun!
"Once we had to march and shout
'Cause we had so little clout:
Public schools back then
Wouldn't let us in
-- And now won't let us out!"
How grim is the socialist plan
To create a new socialist man
Wholl be malleably meek
And in no way unique
In a world that is hopelessly bland!
How bravely they battled before!
How glistening their glories of yore!
Now the Germans and French
Only sit on the bench,
'Cause they're not first-string players anymore.
Since no one's been able to spot him,
It's safe to assume that we got him;
Though we've cooked Laden's goose,
There's a nut on the loose:
Hillary "Osama bin" Rodham!
Each September 11th ask why
The best President money could buy
-- When Osama bin Laden
Might well have been gotten --
Did not even bother to try.
Let iambs and anapests meet,
Dactyls and trochees compete,
But give yourself time
To get to each rhyme
Or you're bound to trip over your feet.
"Be forewarned that our slanders won't stop
Until yours is a unionized shop:
Oh, the pictures we'll paint
When we file our complaint!
So you might as well throw us a sop."
A new stadium slakes our esteem
(With a taxpayer-financing scheme):
You fans in the stands
Must meet our demands
Or you wont even have a home team!
Albert screamed on Inaugural Day
As the ambulance took him away:
"I'm the king! I'm the czar!
I'm Simba! Babar!
I'm the sovereign of all I survey!"
Because GOP gains have been striking,
The Democrats counter by spiking:
Theyll make themselves ample
By skewing a sample
To get numbers much more to their liking.
"The polls that are now coming in
Show we haven't a chance to win,
So we'll pull our man out,
Then rummage about
And start all over again."
We're so eager to find a trace
Of the least little life in space,
But here on Earth
We bar the birth
Of lives we could embrace.
A librarian with conviction,
Finding too much contradiction
In a certain book
By a noted crook,
Had it classified as "fiction."
Sir and ma'am and thanks and please --
Have you children heard of these?
Their cost is nil,
But their usage will
Set your elders' minds at ease.
The September 11th attack
Put America back on track,
But the nags at NOW
Are having a cow
'Cause the Macho Man is back!
For too long girls were taught to behave
Like a tramp or a sexual slave,
But now they have Erika,
The new Miss America,
To remind them that sex is to save.
Heres a memory we all can enjoy
From Al Juniors career as a boy:
Hed wheedle and yammer
To get a toy hammer,
But a Hammer got him as a toy!
Once more, for what its worth:
Your mother is not the Earth!
And thats because
Your mother was
The woman who gave you birth.
You've grown by leaps and bounds;
Your super size astounds;
The fact is that
You're really fat:
Four-three, three hundred pounds!
We were soldiers once, and young.
We were soldiers once, and young.
Though our courage goes unsung,
Every man of us was gung-ho!
We were soldiers once, and young.
He's known plenty of struggle and strife,
But George Bailey is blessed with a wife
And family and friends
On whom he depends:
What he has is a wonderful life.
Europeans have come to depend
On their western allies to defend.
What will they say, though,
When a peacekeeping NATO
Embarks on a war-making trend?
In the army, the air force, or navy,
One must answer "Yes, Sir!" never "Maybe"
-- Except for the faction
Who decline to see action,
Who say, " 'Scuse me, I'm having a baby!"
Their abuses I could not abide
And I'm thankful their third term's denied,
But this ranter in rhyme
May have a hard time
Without Clinton and Gore to deride.
The fertility clinic messed up
And assigned to my wife the wrong "cup":
Thanks to their help,
She delivered a whelp
And I'm now the proud pop of a pup!
When a boy and a girl have a date
And it looks like hell get to homeplate,
They must have protection
To ward off infection,
Though its better, of course, if they wait.
You're opposed to "unnatural" means
Like genetically altering beans?
Then tell your brood,
When we run out of food,
That they'll just have to eat those Greens!
Evolutionists get into scrapes
And elicit all manner of japes:
Well allow that these loons
Harken back to baboons,
But our own family trees have no apes!
The multi-year study's completed,
But no one will bother to read it,
'Cause we already know
That the research will show
That more research is needed.
"In confusion I resorted
To the 'choice' that was exhorted;
Now every day
I cry and pray
For the baby I aborted."
The Vice President went to pay court,
And kept his appeal very short:
I may be a felon,
But a big fan of Ellen
Deserves your financial support.
What a vile conglomeration
Of every abomination:
In Clintons wake,
Only villains will make
A bid for the nomination.
You chauvinists try to deny
That a womans as strong as a guy,
But we know that we can
Replace any man,
And youd better agree or well cry!
Historians and linguists may miss
The apposite nature of this,
But the sound that a snake
Is given to make
Was a surname well-suited to Hiss.
"We ignore those impossible pests
And their parents' complaints and requests:
As a matter of prudence,
We disregard students
And focus on feathering our nests."
For six years we have lived with the dread
We were constantly being misled,
But proposed resignation
Evoked true irritation
And for once we believed what Bill said!
As the Party eliminates
Moral standards for candidates,
More and more recruits
Of Don Juan, Dorian Gray, Norman Bates.
In the past a young worker aspired
To do what advancement required.
But, with the new rage
To raise minimum wage,
Hell be lucky to even get hired.
Herewith we summarize
The new defense for lies:
Though you believe
That I deceive,
I merely clintonize!
As a critic, I have to be fair
And admit that the Times has a flair:
A flair for the pious
Denial of bias
And for stories made out of thin air.
Will our peacemaking Prez go to Sweden
To collect the acclaim hes been needin
And bring home a Nobel
To admire in his cell
In a fetish of fame without freedom?
They insist we directly disown
Every pleasure and pastime thats known.
Those natural nags
And health-conscious hags
Oh, why cant they leave us alone?
The rule of law, dont you see,
Is the essence of liberty
And freedom will end
When leaders pretend
The rules dont apply to me.
I'm loath to make light of the lying,
The fraud, the corruption, the spying:
The norms villains shatter
Are no laughing matter,
But the only alternative's crying.
Downwardly spirals demand
For that outdated Albert Gore brand
The quality's cheap,
The price way too steep
And Prince Albert is soon to be canned.
In The Wanting Seed, Anthony Burgess
Prophesied the preposterous purges
He knew surely would come
When the righteous play dumb
And the vicious give vent to their urges.
Hollywood people are
The nuttiest people by far,
But Barbra Streisand
Takes the prize and
Proves herself a star.
I had covered quite a span
As a 30-year-old man,
But I have to say
My wedding day
Was when my life began.
"What's this fly doing in my soup?"
I demand with my spoon in mid-scoop.
The response I receive:
"Backstroke, I believe."
To what depths will the wry waiter stoop!
As a lad I was long and lean
And drank gallons of Ovaltine,
But I had to rethink
That rich chocolate drink
When I wound up an oval teen.
If Republicans had but the will,
Theyd rejuvenate Capitol Hill,
And just for a start
Drive a stake through the heart
Of the Omnibus Spending Bill.
Any immigrant may at the start
Want to hold his own heritage to heart,
But beware of the vulture
That is multiculture:
Its clawing our country apart.
Of the varied lay orders he scoured,
Opus Dei above others towered,
But the postulant was dopey
And espoused Deus Opie,
Unaware that they worshipped Ron Howard.
Our shirts, mugs, and stickers have verve
And have thrown the gatekeepers a curve.
Andrew Sullivan's panned 'em.
Even eBay has banned 'em.
It appears we have hit on a nerve!
Though the voters decided to choose
Arnie over McClintock and Cruz,
According to leaders
And newspaper readers,
The Los Angeles Times stands to lose.
Should Scouts suppress their squareness
For fashionable fairyland "fairness"
And give badges of merit
To all who can parrot
Propaganda on "AIDS awareness"?
Social scientists have to be blind
Not to see why the crime rates declined:
When more thugs are in stir,
Fewer crimes will occur,
Cause they cant commit crimes while confined.
"Whistling at my shapely legs
Violates my rules and regs,
But I'll drop pretense
And take no offense
If you want to buy my eggs."
You say you can't stand anymore
Advertisements for Bush or Al Gore?
Well, no matter who's won,
This election is done,
So get ready for 2004!
Show us where in the argumentation
For new "standards" in education
Is their rigorous quality
Or idle frivolity
Given any consideration.
Critics say it's a judgmental story
With scenes that are overly gory,
But that's what you're liable
To read in the Bible
Of sacrifice leading to glory.
You may laugh at my pacifist claim;
I'm a peace-loving lad just the same:
In a fight against faction,
I love a piece of the action --
And to practice my pass-a-fist aim.
The other children teased her
For being a faithful feaster:
When the pagan takes
His seasonal breaks,
She celebrates Christmas and Easter.
Here's a lesson for beginners,
Beguiled by pacifist spinners:
There are at least
Two kinds of peace,
The loser's and the winner's.
Perhaps some of you are at a loss
Why I want to be President Ross.
Its simple, you see:
Its better for me
If I am the one who is boss!
Some groups save endangered flocks.
Our group saves endangered rocks.
Send your donation
To our foundation:
Help maintain our P.O. Box.
It's not all that hard to explain
Why the media fawn on McCain:
You know they would balk
At truly "straight talk,"
But they love a Republican bane.
Promise next time you see one you'll stop,
When out for a stroll or to shop,
And give him a hand
For taking a stand:
It's the least you can do for a cop.
Conservatives say it's a gas,
But liberals give it a pass:
My book is a mirror
That shows their flaws clearer,
And they hate what they see in the glass!
When Bill sells a scheme hes emphatic,
His response to his foes automatic:
Anyone who says, But
Is dismissed as a nut,
A right-wing religious fanatic.
If theyre often the idlest of souls,
If their names cant be found on the rolls,
If they wont likely vote,
Why do we take note
Of opinions they offer in polls?
From the looks of things, I must assume
When I told you kids, "Pick up your room,"
That you misunderstood
And did all that you could
To deliberately "pig up" your room.
"Hurry, Bill, take off your slacks
And give Hillary one thing she lacks!
Oh, that's so good!
Bill, you misunderstood
When I said that I didn't like sax."
The crude and obscene we outwore,
And blasphemys now such a bore,
But being blasé
Is also passé:
Avant gardes just no fun anymore!
"You'll need power without peer
And objectives that are clear,
Plus clever tactics
-- And prophylactics!"
Said Powell with a leer.
Weve no choice when they give us the squeeze
With their rate hikes and multiple fees,
So lets pull the plug
On those haughty and smug
"Though we suffer the simmering effects
Of syphillis, herpes simplex,
Gonorrhea, and AIDS
From our rash escapades,
We make certain to practice 'safe sex.'"
Adding Euro- and Afro- wont do:
Ethnic conflict will only ensue.
No hyphen for me:
Im happy to be
An American through and through.
Save the salmon and save the seal,
Save the gator and save the eel,
The dolphin, the whale,
The mussel, the snail:
Save them all for my next meal.
Gay advocates harry and vex,
Making simple things seem so complex,
But the truth's never varied:
They've the right to get married --
To a member of the opposite sex!
A new cell phone or VCR?
CD player to put in your car?
Don't bother to buy it,
Just set off a riot,
Get it free at the bandits' bazaar.
A Democrats quick with a quip
And this ones especially a pip:
In a fight to the death,
He demands with each breath
That his foe show bipartisanship!
You'll discard any ludicrous notion
Of a salary increase or promotion
When you jump through the hoops
For those "pro-family" groups
That demand your unthinking devotion.
Common sense until it fails:
Screeners x-ray granny
And pat down the nanny,
But ignore young Arab males.
The professional journalists fudge
When asked why they hold such a grudge:
They cant bear to tell us
That they simply are jealous,
Being scooped by that amateur Drudge.
"Judicial nominee Pryor
May appeal to authority higher
And display legal laurels
And superior morals,
But venality's what we desire."
No entrance allowed, guards remark,
Either after or prior to dark.
Access is restricted,
To this taxpayer-subsidized park.
A filtering V-chips desired
Til our Masher-in-Chief is retired:
His obsession with sex
Makes our news triple-X
And parental discretion required.
For eight years they were joined at the head
And Al Gore always did what Bill said,
But now this big goof
Pretends hes aloof
And a man of high morals instead!
"Your report card's created a fuss
With your father and me: Both of us
Are a little bit leery
Of this course called 'Queer Theory'
-- And the fact that you got an A-plus."