R - Z
Rude displays of disaffection,
Incitation to insurrection,
And an artless screech
Are not "free speech"
And warrant no protection.
With the threat no longer vague
Of attack by bomb or plague,
The concern looms large
Over who's in charge:
Why, it's Alexander Haig!
And the feminist/gay seduction
Aim to cause disaffection
And incite insurrection
And are weapons of mass destruction.
I don't mean to sound so scary,
But a young girl should be wary
Of incurring the wrath
Of a psychopath --
Or a congressman named Gary.
There once was a man named Vlad
Who was known for a habit he had:
With such pride in his nailing,
When he took to impaling
No one ever would challenge his chad.
Though funds that the DNC spent
Did arise in the Orient,
Our designs are disputable,
Lippos motives inscrutable
Can you prove that were not innocent?
Whats holding up unified Europe?
State sovereigns wont step in the stirrup.
Getting ins not in doubt;
Its how to get out
Thats a question as sticky as syrup.
How can you help but adore
A guy with the gall of Al Gore?
He admits to no wrong
Taking money from Huang,
Then swears that hell do it no more.
"Since you've asked for the body to burn,
We sincerely do hope you won't learn
That rather than ash
We'll convert it to cash --
That's our definition of urn!"
R2D2 and Robbie had more
Variations of speech than Al Gore:
"Risky scheme, risky scheme,"
His unwavering theme,
Has become just a bit of a bore.
If free markets are something you dread,
Our Constitution is over your head,
And American history
To you is a mystery,
On election day, please, stay in bed!
Our thousand-year party was fun.
We'll repeat it for 2001.
A millennial glow
Two years in a row
And a hangover second to none!
The electorate, tired and downhearted,
Wish the candidates could all be discarded.
They'll be beating the drum
For months yet to come:
The campaigning has just barely started!
When combative conservatives hush
And the brazenest liberals blush,
We know that the fun
Has already begun
And the nation is listening to Rush!
"Each morning when I get dressed,
I put on my bulletproof vest,
Then I play in the yard
With my bodyguard,
In case Mother should get depressed."
The voter has no head for facts.
They stop him right dead in his tracks.
The public, said Bill,
Just wants a cheap thrill.
Now, Hillary, hand me my sax.
There's nothing new under the sun:
Two women or men can't be one
And only a jerk'll
Try squaring a circle
'Cause some things aren't meant to be done.
Our protests are surely in vain
If we constantly carp and complain
That that man in Bagdad
Is quite thoroughly mad
But keep calling him Saddam Whos Sane!
Who invented lightbulbs? George asked Gracie.
Why, everyone knows: Spencer Tracy!
And the phone? Oh, thats easy.
Let me see -- Don Ameche!
And Al Gore made the Net? George, thats crazy!
I'm aware that my viewpoint excites
The wrath of the Leninites,
But I wield this pen
As a citizen,
Defending his God-given rights!
Why do liberals like to besmirch
Institutions confirmed by research
As conducive to wealth,
Happiness, and health
Such as marriage, the family, and church?
When constitutents grumble and cuss,
Their complaints can be summarized thus:
That bum has some nerve!
Hes elected to serve
But, whoever he serves, its not us!
As he wriggles and wiggles and squirms,
The Republican chairman confirms
That he relishes clout
And is anxious to flout
His support for strict limits on terms.
Learning to read will be fun,
I told my young daughter and son,
But they quickly got sick
Of that Jane and that Dick,
And the way they do nothing but run.
If our Congressmen fail to enthrall,
We can answer technology's call,
For we now have the means
To duplicate genes
And make copies of men like Ron Paul!
Kissed my loved one at the door.
No idea what lay in store.
In the tower
Not an hour.
Now my loved one is no more.
"We've each received our ration
Of the latest political fashion.
Dismiss us as artless,
But don't call us heartless:
We're 'conservatives with compassion.'"
Milk turned sour, pop gone flat
We would never stand for that,
But the office holder
Is allowed to molder,
Going stale but standing pat.
Riddles and puns are my play:
Whos on first, I sensibly say.
And I know why a duck,
But I fear that Im stuck
When the question is, Y2K?
DDT might have wiped out malaria
In every subtropical area,
But Miss Carson's polemical
Attack on the chemical
Has inspired Silent Spring-fed hysteria.
Was it lurid, obscene, oversexed?
The pundits were plainly perplexed,
But, being sagacious,
They selected salacious
To describe the Starr Report text.
That deed that you hold in your hand
Gives you title to this piece of land,
But you better had not
Develop this lot
'Cause that's not what the County has planned.
The President seldom gets ill.
At least, he hasn't yet. Still,
To maintain that vim,
My advice to him
Is to pass when proffered a pretzel.
Has Bill taken leave of his senses,
Dismantling all our defenses
And providing resources
To enemy forces
Regardless of consequences?
Now our schools have security directors,
Electronic surveillance by sectors,
To keep kids safe and sound
As their scores plummet down
What we need are some mental detectors.
Heres the presidential line
On a penitential fine:
Ill gladly confess
And make redress
For everyones sin but mine!
She was flattered he found her appealing,
But preferred that he be less revealing.
Bill tried to explain
He was feeling her pain,
But Paula knew what he was feeling!
If the "new and improved" Albert Gore
Met the first Albert Gore from before,
A debate would ensue
Between Als Old and New
Over which Albert Gore to ignore!
With their focus on goals of their own,
Young people today who postpone
Or incline to disparage
A commitment in marriage
May find themselves aging alone.
Well overlook Bills obfuscations,
And his sexual aberrations,
And perhaps, within reason,
Well tolerate treason
Cause hes meeting our low expectations.
Before he had started to pack,
Bills visit to China caught flack,
But Clinton should know
He was welcome to go
Just so long as he didnt come back!
While their cohorts are making big "bread,"
Staying childless, and planning ahead;
Folks with families of four,
Five, six, seven, or more
Are investing in children instead.
If only wed known before now
What a crafty excuse will allow:
When your villainies vex,
Say its just about sex,
Chuckled Hitler and Stalin and Mao.
"Most assuredly I'm the master
Of calamity, crisis, disaster:
What my clients call woe
I transmute into dough.
How I wish their misfortunes came faster!"
Just as sugar may draw out the ants,
Theres a better than even chance
That amateurs and hobbyists
Turn professional lobbyists
When a governments giving out grants.
A President shouldnt tell lies
Or do things that are really unwise,
But who cares about should
When the economys good
And the stock markets on the rise?
Al Gore wants to target tax cuts
With innumerable ifs, ands, or buts
Yet we target each day
What to do with our pay,
With no help from presumptuous nuts!
The flat tax is best, some contend,
But the sales tax has much to commend.
Taxing income or sales
These are minor details
Til we limit what Congress can spend!
If you want to be part of the team,
Youll have to agree with our theme:
Kids dont really need
To learn how to read
As long as they have self-esteem.
What a debt we all owe to marines!
Were so glad that they go to extremes,
And we think Sara Lister
And Bill the Resister
Should be ordered to clean the latrines.
Oh, Mama, dont let that thing get me!
Oh, Mama, youve not even met me!
Oh, Mama, please give
Me a lifetime to live!
Oh, Mama, youd never regret me!
"You don't have to be very clever
To know that I'm anxious to sever
All connections to him
Whom I once on a whim
Called the greatest President ever."
Our nation is destined for grief
If our leader has no fixed belief
And conclusions are drawn
As to whose side hes on
When China plays Hail to the Chief.
Executions require certain force,
And hanging's no different, of course.
For man or for beast,
It's unpleasant, at least.
Who would want to be hung like a horse?
"Guarantee your pet will prize it.
Be assured she won't despise it.
Quickly enlarge it.
Conveniently charge it.
You just have to super-size it!"
The temperature rose in July
Compared to December, quite high.
Its really alarming
This seasonal warming.
Oh, lordy, were all gonna fry!
The verdict at last was released
By grammarians back in the East
To end the upheavals
Over lesser of evils:
Among three, they say choose which is least.
At last you become a landowner,
And suddenly appears the land zoner.
So you pay and you pay
And learn with dismay
That youve also become a land donor.
Now listen, young man, dont be hesitant
To follow my rules while youre resident.
How often have I
Said you never must lie?
Now go to your room, Mr. President!
"There may be some dangers that loom
And darken our prospects with gloom:
Yes, life can be cruel
For us kids after school,
But at least we survived in the womb."
The NEA nabobs are vexed,
The public school Pooh-Bahs perplexed:
Geography, spelling --
There's really no telling
What bee those homeschoolers win next!
Most taxpayers tend to keep mum
Because they dont pay a lump sum,
But get rid of withholding
And thered be such a scolding
That tax reform quickly would come.
You may choose to be crude or crass,
Sacrificing decorum for brass,
But beware what you say
Or you'll wind up one day
With the well-earned acclaim of an ass.
Wake up, Dear, go downstairs, and look!
I heard a strange noise in the nook!
Wheres the key to the lock
On my .380 Glock?
Oh, I hung it somewhere on a hook!
The Prez has perfected the skill
To do whatsoever he will:
He just ignites
Our Bill of Rights
And claims the rights of Bill.
If you must sentimentalize, do.
Wax anthropomorphic, too.
Profess love for the trees
As much as you please,
But the trees still won't care about you!
The Prez is professing a peeve,
That appearances often deceive:
Oh sure, it may look
Like Im some kind of crook,
But who are you gonna believe?
The temperatures not getting higher.
Our environmental futures not dire.
With the best yet to come,
Theres no need to be glum:
Al Gore, youre an ozone liar!
The Clintons perfected a ruse
Which the networks all use to excuse
Their failure to handle
The penultimate scandal
And televise yesterdays news.
To ensure that the balloting may
Proceed in an orderly way:
On Tuesday, please note,
All Republicans vote --
And all Democrats on the next day.
It came as an inspiration,
The solution to mass immigration:
For each incoming worker,
Deport one native shirker
To some socialist paradise nation.
The Church may soon be on the skids
If parishioners blow their lids
And refuse to kick in
Alms to pay for the sin
Of the priests caught molesting their kids.
Our credulity suffered a strain
From Al Gore's presidential campaign,
Until dimples and chad
Confirmed that he had
Put the nation through torment in vain.
There were businessmen, kids, and their mommies
Joining ministers, imams, and swamis --
There were people galore
Shouting no to the war,
Giving aid to Saddam and the commies.
Weve spent several billion so far,
And still we have failed in our chore.
Our schools are a mess,
But they could be the best
If we just spent a few billion more.
The penguin complained, Its too hot!
The hippo replied, No, its not!
The gator, when polled,
Insisted, Too cold!
And the polar bear grumbled, What rot!
Come quick, everyone, on the double!
A friend needs our help, hes in trouble.
And a man without means
Just might spill the beans,
So lets all lend a hand to Webb Hubbell!
In the midst of waging a war,
We have much to be thankful for,
Since it's President Bush
Who's leading the push
Instead of President Gore.
In Congress theres many a crank,
And a few who belong in the tank,
But leading the race
As a public disgrace
Is the Honorable Barney Frank!
"You illegally crossed our border?
You're a drugs and weapons importer?
You're a sociopath
Spewing venomous wrath?
Yes, everything seems in order."
Mankind from the first had a host of
Talents and trials to make most of,
But atheists despair
'Cause they don't have a prayer --
And nihilists have nothing to boast of!
The mad doctor was testing a drug
When he felt on his labcoat a tug:
Master, oh Master,
Weve got to work faster
To destroy the Millennium Bug!
Johnnys schooling has been all for naught
When he doesnt know half that he ought.
If he barely can read,
But knows well how to breed,
Can you guess what Johnnys been taught?
How often our names represent
Our character, mood, or intent:
Names like Safire and Starr
Reveal who we are,
As do Bobbitt and Gore and DeMent.
Not so sweet his taste of swill.
Not so cheap his lastest thrill.
How high the price
Thats paid for vice!
How right the name of Bill.
Musicians must master harmonics
Just as airmen absorb avionics,
But pedagogues flout
The need to sound out
And reject all instruction in phonics.
You can break 'em with kindness, of course,
But at times you just have to use force.
Are the Clintons so clever
They now must endeavor
To rein in a runaway horse?
The mood of the people is clear
As November's election draws near:
We've had more than our fill
Of Al, Hill, and Bill
And we wish they would all disappear.
Our Party is poised to prevail
With this new registration by mail:
All corpses and cats
Are staunch Democrats,
So our candidates simply cant fail!
The High School Prom Director
Knew no boy would reject her
Request this year
For a volunteer
To be the Thong Inspector.
Anyone who cannot be persuaded
That our gun rights must not be degraded
Should inquire of the Swiss,
Who are armed and dont miss,
Why it is that theyre never invaded.
Both Clinton and Gore played the king, which
Means both deserved Congress sting, which
Means both should've been sacked.
But they stayed on intact
And departed was House Speaker Gingrich!
The X Generation defrays
What Social Security pays,
Though the systems not sound
And wont be around
To sustain their own golden days.
I anticipate danger ahead
And foresee myself injured or dead
From falling, perchance,
While putting on pants,
So Id better not get out bed.
When the stewardess gave it a tug,
I complained that my seatbelt was "snug."
She said I'd regret
That insidious threat:
"Backwards, 'snug' spells 'guns,' you lug!"
From justice they craftily fled
And avoided the sanctions they dread;
Now O.J. and Bill
Can linger at will
In the night of the fast-living dead.